this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize