someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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