So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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