Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
