Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize