idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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