FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
