She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
