I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
