Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
