we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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