Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
and you fell through a lawn chair
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
