I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
