do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The beer is more important than you right now.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
