Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
