Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
