youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
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Drunk walkin through police station. America
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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