Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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