Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
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