I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
