I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
