dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
