The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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