alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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