Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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