I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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