Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
