Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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