At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
