I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
