all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
