hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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