I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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