That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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