i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
