this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
