it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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