Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
