pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
