the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
