Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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