Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
