so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
