Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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