he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
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I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
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apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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