Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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