from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
