i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
