i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
