I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
