I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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