please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
