Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
NoShamevember. You game?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
