she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
