If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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