Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
