so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
