My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
